I wrote this piece for (in)courage‘s Friendship on Purpose series, about my dear friend Jenn, and the fourth anniversary of the birth and loss of her precious son, Hudson. Jenn’s been an amazing friend to me (at times I haven’t deserved) and a woman of courage. I am incredibly thankful to (in)courage for publishing this piece.

…The day of my ultrasound also happened to be my best friend’s due date. Following a long struggle with secondary infertility, she and her husband were finally going to have another son. But my friend went into early labor after thirty days of hospitalized bed rest. And after thirty-six hours of life, little Hudson’s lungs proved too frail. He died in his mommy’s arms.

God has since blessed my best friend with two more healthy children. There is joy. But with it remains a dull and daily grief in her heart, in the back of her throat, at the sight of her c-section scar. There is some comfort in knowing that Hudson is in the arms of Jesus now, but truth be told, we want our children in our arms, don’t we?

I knew it was foolish of me to be mourning the loss of an imaginary daughter when my dear friend was mourning at an actual grave site. I knew how greedy and selfish I was acting. Here she was in the thick of her grief, and I was daring to be ungrateful for a healthy child.

So I did my best to hide from her, not wanting her to see my disappointment. But, as only a girlfriend can, she knew me. She knew I wanted that pink bow…. 

You can read the entire piece here. 

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